seeking growth

In my time here, and really for months before returning to Haiti I have been struggling with transforming my faith.  Moving from a Sunday school faith to a more mature faith that really reflects who I am in Christ. I have been struggling with this because there are certain changes that I know need to be made in my heart and in my daily walk with God, but I have become comfortable in my sin and changing those habits is undesirable.

I recently took a walk with a friend and discussed this issue and others.  I told him that it was ridiculous to me that I know the path I should take, I feel I know why I should take it, and I have evidence in my own life that choosing God's path over my own produces a richer life; yet still I stubbornly cling to worldly things and tell myself I'm 'not ready' to make this change.  This is just laziness on my part and fear.  That age old fear that changing will produce a 'new me' who may come with responsibilities and behavior that I either view as boring, or fear others will view in that way.  So, essentially what I have made myself to believe is that if I follow the one who died for me - who has created me for His pleasure and joy - if I follow Him instead of the world, the world may reject me.

Hasn't the Bible told us this is so?  Didn't we sign up for this when we chose Christ?  Doesn't the Bible repeatedly proclaim that the world will reject us, and we will face hardships and persecution, but that we will not be alone?  I often find myself in these one-sided conversations with myself, knowing the answers to all the questions I pose, but wanting a new truth to arise, one that will not call me outside of my place of comfort and allow me to have my cake and eat it too.

I have been attending a church body that is made up of mostly QCS associated folks, and the sermons have been a video series.  Yesterday's sermon was about living our lives for the glory of God and not for our own glory.  The pastors addressed our tendency to reject ideas about Christ that make us uncomfortable, like the truth that God's ultimate agenda is His Glory when our idea of God is this humble, meek loving God who would never have such a selfish agenda.  This is a very difficult thing for me to accept, that God is out for His own glory, but when I look at it after hearing this sermon and pondering this topic for the past 24 hours I wonder why it makes me uncomfortable?  This God who's ultimate agenda is His own glory, this is the same God who created the Earth in all it's sinless splendor to to be good as He saw it, He created Man and Woman to be in harmony with Him so that He could come down to earth and walk among the things that reminded Him of His glory and brought Him joy.  When that creation failed Him, he guided it, reprimanding it as was necessary, but still desiring whole union with it so that His glory could once again be seen by all.  Through the many hundreds of years this same God has shepherded/guided/parented this world and the people in it, sending His only Son to be a presence among the people, so they might learn from Him, and essentially that they may learn from his death on the cross and glorious resurrection, that He Is God.  All things, the ultimate agenda is for God's glory, but why not?!  What else would be worth living for?  If our lives are to be lived striving to please God, striving to BRING HIM GLORY why would it make us (me) uncomfortable to know that this same God I want to bring glory to also desires that glory?  God calls ME to be meek, not himself.  He calls ME to be humble, not Him, knowing that I learn better in humility than in pride.  He wants me to be patient and kind, because if I am these things I can be a better witness of HIS love, so that more and more people may discover the glory of God, and His Kingdom may grow!

I spent part of my afternoon yesterday on skype chat, discussing this sermon and this very thing.  Confiding in a friend that this truth about myself is disappointing and frustrating to me.  He agreed that he has dealt with similar things, and directed me to James 4:1-10.  These verses discuss our stubbornness to walk away from our sin, the evil desires of our flesh, but how Christ has called us out of our sin to save us, to redeem us from ourselves, from this world of destruction.  These verses are uncomfortable for me to read because they apply.  Because the truth of this passage rings in my ears and calls to me do what I know if right, to turn from the things that bring me momentary pleasure, turn from them towards the One Thing that can bring me ultimate Joy.  What is so difficult about that choice?  Especially when I know that it is the right choice, and I know it is Truth.